Kore's Journal

A Letter to Mother & Father

August 2005

Dear Mother and Father,

I am well. The luggage has been unpacked and I enjoy my new room. This is a large bedroom, with an attached private bathroom. I have a beautiful, old four poster bed, and even a hearth., though of course the chances of a fire during summer months is quite small. Also, the view from my window is most pleasant. I have discovered that there is also a small pond on the grounds, in addition to the walks and the forest.

Miss Edith is most kind, but very firm. The ladies have the northern hall, and the gentlemen dwell in the south. We share a study, laundry facilities, and, of course, the classroom. I cannot deny that my schoolmates are different than I at first glance. However, as I am becoming acquainted with them, I have found that they, too, are talented. I have been considering them, and remembered the words of Christ, that insomuch as I do unto the least of his brethren, I do unto him. I cannot fault them for not having my advantages in parents, and who I to say that I might not have been like them, had I not such a privileged home life?

It is strange, really, to consider my new life. I have never had a chance to be around people a great deal, and it is sometimes overwhelming. But, I have no time to mope, for I have much to do in this new life. I am learning to do my own laundry; I must keep my room neat and make my bed each morning before I go to breakfast.

The chef, Albert, is am amazing cook. He can turn a pile of leftovers into a three-course meal. His wife also works here; she tends the gardens. In addition, there is Miss Edith, the governess, whom you have already met, and the Headmaster. He is sometimes grave, but I believe he understands our needs better than we, and I am willing to learn from him.

I must now close this letter, it is getting late, and I must rise early, or miss breakfast. I love you both.

Your daughter,

Alexis Paige Hamilton

A Letter to Alexis

Dear Alexis

Your father and I are glad to hear that you are well. We apologize for not writing back to you sooner, but things are - as I know you can imagine - quite busy around here. Your father is away on a business trip, but he sends his love.

I am happy to hear that your room is nice. I must confess, I was somewhat afraid that you might find yourself with a roommate of some kind - judging from our glance at the other children, likely one with delinquent tendencies. It is a relief to hear that you have a haven while you are there. If things become too difficult in dealing with the others, don't hesitate to claim a headache or some similar ailment. Such is a lady's prerogative in an uncomfortable situation, and I can tell that Miss Edith is cultured enough to know that. Do, however, remember to keep the door to your room well-secured. Some of those other children certainly looked to have criminal tendencies.

I think it is very kind of you to have such gentle words for your school-mates, and I'm sure each of them is a redeeming person, especially in the eyes of the Lord. But do not allow them to take advantage of your retiring disposition, my dear. Our Lord would have you be kind to the less-fortunate, yes, but remember also that you should take care of yourself, and protect yourself from harm.

I must admit to some trepidation at hearing that you shall have household chores, but I understand that some fine programs use precisely this sort of discipline to help focus the mind, and to keep...fancies from wandering. If that is the case, I whole-heartedly approve, and encourage you to be diligent in your chores, my dear. Perhaps this will make you appreciative of those who we employ to help us in such a regard.

I am overjoyed to learn that the help there is of high quality. I am interested in hearing more about your Headmaster, of course, as we didn't get the chance to meet him, which we consider highly irregular. Also, can you double-check the telephone number we received from Miss Edith? I fear that we were given a faulty one, as the one we have is answered by a machine. We have left messages, and not had our calls returned to us. Your father finds it highly suspicious, but of course I have reassured him that it is all a mistake.

Find enclosed a money order for some spending money, Alexis. Of course, you must make sure to use this responsibly, but what ever you do, don't let the others know you have it. I won't have my daughter living like a pauper, but neither will I have her stolen from. Be wise.

All Our Love, Mother and Father

A Letter to Mother & Father

Dear Mother and Father,

Thank you for your letter. I was disappointed that Father was unable to reply, but I do understand that both of you are quite busy. I am unsure why the phone number does not work. I know we have a phone, but I have never used it. I will ask Miss Edith what should be done. It is possible that the number you were given is correct, but that there was no one there to answer the line at that time.

We had a bit of excitement the other day. Ryan, who is from Idaho, found an injured bird. He grew up on a farm and takes the needs of animals most seriously. The bird was taken in and mended. We are now waiting for the wing to heal and then we shall release the bird back to the wild. I had a talk with him afterward. He seems most kind, just a little lost, I suppose. I tried to encourage him, I reminded him of II Timothy 1:7 and I believe he took strength from it.

My chores are not difficult. It is mostly looking after myself. I believe Miss Edith is correct when she says that I must learn because there may not always be someone to do it for me. I told her I doubted that, but prudence is preparing for the possible, if unlikely, and therefore I am willing.

The Headmaster is very learned. He knows a great deal of history and has traveled even more than I! His teaching style is an interesting combination of aut disce aut discede and gentle encouragement. He will not take less than our best effort, but is aware of limitations and strives to help us grow beyond them.

Thank you for the allowance. I do occasionally go into town, and will be most glad to have a little to spend. I will keep quiet about the gift, though I believe they assume that I get money from you. Driving up in the Rolls was a bit of a give away. However, I have little fear of that. My room is nigh unto Miss Ediths and she, she says, is a light sleeper. I am often in my room if we are not in lessons or meals. I feel secure, but, as you taught me, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

Your daughter,

Alexis

Arc X, Chapter X

I have decided I need a diary, as this is all coming too fast. It is my hope that this shall focus my mind and enable me to see clearly. I shall try to be honest and impartial herein, though I know that I shall fail.

I am afraid that Father was correct and the students here are hooligans! I was feeling well and secure in my new situation. I was a bit leery of Benjamin he is a youth from New York and I believe he has had a difficult life; both of his parents are now dead. Compared to Justin, however, Benjamin is a very decent sort.

Yesterday we went to the mall as many of the others had inadequate clothing. I went with the other young lady, Angela, who is from New Orleans, and we made my purchases. Before we could get hers, however, we saw an unfortunate sight. Benjamin was being taken away by the police! He had been caught shoplifting in K-Mart and was under arrest. Angela told me to contact Miss Edith while she asked what was happening.

I went to the booth, and placed the call, only to have Justin demand the handset. I refused, as I was quite capable of handling the situation, and he threatened me, grabbed my wrist, and tore the phone from my grasp. I called out, trying to tell Miss Edith, who had by this point answered, but the situation was dire, and so I fell quite after a bit and the call concluded with an order to be outside in 10 minutes. Angela had actually been requested at the end of the call, and Justin and Ryan were arguing about his treatment of me. Ryan, who is a farm boy, was aghast at his treatment of a young girl in that manner, and they had harsh words.

Ryan then took my by the hand, we headed for the entrance, an he called Justin a 'faggot'. I did not understand, then, as I believed that to be another word for wood. I have looked it up in a dictionary since and I record here the definition. Fagot is, indeed, a bundle of wood. But that is not what he meant. Faggot: 'Pronunciation: 'fa-g&t Function: noun Etymology: origin unknown usually disparaging : a male homosexual

Ryan angered Justin a lot with that, and Justin ran over and punched him. I saw him coming and broke away, but Ryan got a bloody nose. Angela saw this and tried to restrain Justin. While she did, Ryan stepped forward and hit Justin back! Both started bleeding and Justin broke away from Angela. She intervened again, and begged them to stop. I was calling for security while they fought. They backed down, and the security arrived. They were taken to the security room and the police were called yet again.

I found Miss Edith again, and told her of their actions, she was very angry, and marched in, demanded their release, and gave the contact info for the school, then drove to the station and returned from there with Justin.

The Headmaster apparently met with all of them, though I was not there, and each was confined to their rooms for a week, though lessons have continued. The headmaster also spoke to me and apologized that I was endangered, then advised me that it was to be an explicit policy at the school that if one student physically attacks another, they are expelled.

I felt a bit better after that, until, that is, I overheard Angela lecturing Benjamin about shoplifting. She was not giving a moral lecture, rather she was telling him he had done it foolishly. I am so afraid she may be a thief herself, but what shall I do if she is?

On the good side, I think I have understood something new. I have been doing Tai Chi in the mornings with Miss Edith and Angela. I believe that the same moves can be used to defend oneself as to ground oneself. I hope I shall never need to use them. I also very glad that neither Ryan nor Justin has ever joined us.

Alexis

Arc X, Chapter X

I hate Justin. He is unkind, bombastic, and utterly uncouth! He seems to think that nothing is ever his fault. He was furious when the school towed his bike, but he was warned that a sticker is required and did not get one before he parked it, nor soon after. Then, when the money to restore it was not dropped in his lap, he blamed everyone else!

He only has the bike because it came with the property, no one wanted it, and Louise was willing to loan him the funds to repair it. The idea of work, whether a job or barter, was anathema to him, and he threw what Mrs. Greenwood called a 'pity party' during classes!

I am increasingly relieved that the rule of non-violence against other magi is in force at the Sanctuary. I do not trust him, and I am more than slightly afraid of him. But, I think that the tai chi I am learning will help me to defend myself, if need be, and certainly I am learning the magic that will also aid me against him as swiftly as it is put before me.

The Sanctuary... I sometimes think that it is ironic it should be thus named. When the doctor first told me of it, that I would be understood there and that children like me would attend, I had no idea of this being what was offered! I enjoy the classes, I am delighted to be free of the Creepies, and still having Madeline with me. But I am so alone.

The first day of class was awful. With the exception of gym and Home Economics, I was stared at, and then the students would suggest to the teacher that I was lost! When I signed up for Knowledge Bowl, I heard someone claim a victory of knowledge, stating he knew that I would join.

It is not my fault that I am more intelligent than they! Yes, I had tutors, I did not rely on the public school system, but I also had to learn more than they. I am fluent in German and a better violinist is difficult to find. Add in the Creepies and it is amazing I have learned anything!

I like Angela and Ryan. They both seem to appreciate my breeding and treat me correctly; they treat me as a lady of worth. Benjamin, I am unsure of. He is a criminal, certainly, but he was also underprivileged and had no other choices. Now that he has a chance for education and respectability, I am hopeful his better nature shall show through. But Justin, I sometimes wish he would attack me so the Headmaster would expel him!

And, yes, the Headmaster... he is so kind and gentle. He also treats me with respect and I am so grateful to him. He is much older than he looks, so perhaps age differences mean less among the magi...

I have joined three clubs at school and I am assisting the librarians during lunch. I am balancing between academics and athletics. If ever I attend university, a full-ride scholarship to any school I desire should be offered. At least I shall not by limited by Mother and Father's choices... Perhaps I shall be able to graduate early. That would be wonderful.

Madeline has learnt to broadcast via radio waves! I am so proud of her. She is more important to me than anyone else, and on a par with my violin. She, too, loves the violin and that is part of why she is still with me. But, I have decided I want a new violin. Dolore is an instrument of ineffable beauty and sadness. I do not know how I shall get it, Mother would not wish to purchase it for me, even assuming the shopkeeper wished to part with it. But, he too shall pass on, and so shall it. One day, it will fall into the hands of someone who does not love it as he does and will be willing to sell it to me. Playing that violin was the most indescribable moment of my life, on a par with my Awakening.

I have been trying to find the Greenwoods. Stacy has not been with me, she spends much time with her parents; Madeline calls them one of her anchors, and I am the other one. I miss her, and I wish to tell them that I am well, that I am not in a mental institution. However, computers are not my best skill, and using the internet even less so. Mother did not approve of internet.

I will need to write to them again. I am unsure what I can tell them. I do not wish to lie, but it seems the primary duty of a mage is to not allow the Sleepers to guess at the greater world. I cannot tell anyone who does not already know what I am learning. I want to tell them, tell them I was not mad, tell them that I am well and happy. But, I am not happy.

Yes, this is much better than Boston was before, but despite one kind of understanding, another is missing. I suppose it is culture shock, but I fear I have been found, only to be lost again.

Alexis

Arc X, Chapter X

I was reading through my earlier entries and I was amazed at how naive I was. I was worried about school bullies and I never realized how little that means and matters.

I won't go into it, but everything changed at Niagara Falls. I learned some useful spell ideas, but I also learned that this is not a game. It is not enough to see Madeline and Stacy and learn whatever else I feel like.

I need to know more, and I do not think the Headmaster will be teaching it fast enough. I need to be able to protect myself and others. There is a girl in my biology class, Victoria. She is a nice girl, she speaks English as a second language and no one is helping her. There is something wrong on the Sanctuary grounds. First Mr. Grackleton and then Ryan started sleepwalking. A spirit of some kind is meddling with us. And the school - ok, I have only attended this one, but it seems odd to have such madness and violence in such a small town.

I am going to start helping the others to learn. Angela seems to think it is ok to cheat. But, all knowledge is useful. Maybe I can help she and Ryan. And yet, I was so impressed by Angela down by the lake when she shaped the water, and she is so good to me, giving time to help me with my spells.

I need to be able to do more than see. I need more knowledge and power and those around me need the same. Including sleepers. Maybe especially sleepers.

And yet, it takes very little to frighten me. I had a teacher recognize me, ask me to perform. I wanted to say yes, but just thinking about it - I ran and hid in the bathroom. So, at least one person knows I am here and who I am. I wish I could put it all behind me. Either give up the violin or embrace it, but I can't. I love it and I fear it.

Also, I am afraid for Angela. She is not well. I suppose none of us are, really. She is... unbalanced. She seeks danger, and then runs in terror of it. Like in Niagara Falls. I will have to be mindful of that.

I wish I could tell someone. Someone who understands. Someone on the outside. A sleeper, but like Miss Edith. Madeline cannot really understand, Stacy is gone, and I don't have anyone to tell. I want to say that I like school. I want to cry on my mother's shoulder... except she would never understand or allow such a thing.

Hello, my name is Harry Potter. Where is Sirius Black?

Alexis

Arc X, Chapter X

I am being reasonable and rational. I calmed Madeline, I didn't scream or yell, but this is my journal and I don't have to be mature, rational, or anything else here.

I swear my Cabal is insane!

To begin, two of them seem to think a knife is the appropriate response to a difficult situation. I don't blame Promachus too much, he was being attacked by a mage-boosted bum with a bat and trying to save another wounded mage. Understandable. But if the police officer who ARRESTED Diamona and him was not mage savvy, things would have been very bad.

That is nothing, however, compared to Violet throwing a knife into a person without clear need. Next thing we know, a man is down, fists are flying, a shot gun is shooting, and Violet WALKS AWAY!

I don't know if it was a 'my job here is done' or 'oops, gonna hide out 'til it blows over,' but she starts a huge fight and then does nothing to help.

To be fair, there may not have BEEN a fight if Marbus had not threatened the lookouts with unknown death. I tried to talk to them, but I don't know what way would have been best. I am fairly sure, however, that having Marbus the Mighty Mad Magus threaten them was not the way to do it.

So, now a whole house knows we are 'in league with the devil,' kicked Jacob out, he is upset and angry and stuck in the Sanctum. He really dislikes me, because I told him other people have been hurt in this besides you. He was going to hit me, I think. No one there would even give me a chance. I am too different, and I don't understand them much better than they understand me. I have only one thing I think they lack: I am sure that they are good people, too. I doubt they give me the same courtesy.

On a side thought, Mother has been behaving oddly. She is being maternal. She has never been maternal. It is odd and I am not sure how to handle it. I am fine with it, but it is kind of late, too, but I can't tell her that. In so many ways, she lost me years ago, and only bullets and the death of Claire made her realize even the POTENTIAL of losing me.

Ok, what I want to say, though, is that she is being a hovering mother hen. She is worried, wants to keep tabs on me all the time, and is making my mage life hard to live. Maybe I should just kidnap her, take her to the Covenstead, perform magic in the circle until she believes that I am a mage and that the rules for me must differ from the rules for other teen aged girls.

I don't think it would be kind to do that, though. It was pointed out that sleepwalkers have the worst of both worlds. They cannot do magic, and do not have the shield of disbelief that protects the sleeper.

And, I am not sure she would ever believe. She would likely start seeing a shrink, and make me see one. I don't need either one of those possible outcomes.

Sometimes I feel like I am mad to be in this Cabal. Part of me wants to leave it and just do quiet research in the Athenaeum like a normal scion of my order, but I don't get that choice.

The other magi and Cabals think we are up to no good. We have done things, seen things, that they have not, and they think we are perhaps the cause of what is wrong in NYC. Like we created the bums (though we don't have the skill to do that, yet), faked the Asylum experience (at least they agree that we didn't put of the ward they CAN see) and perhaps are even behind the Feast. Unfair, but there it is.

I don't know what is going on, but I am sure we have nothing to do with it. Sometimes I wish I were a sleeper still, or, rather, a sleep walker type person that I was. I would miss Madeline too much to ever give her up. But, still, have a semi-normal life, not the madness that is New York. Even for a mage, this city is mad!

Well, that is all for now. I am paranoid enough now to keep my journals in Sanskrit. At least my Cabal mates cannot read them and one would have to choose to be reading my journal to understand this. There is no 'I saw the words and they made sense without my meaning it' accidents possible. I hope.

Arc X, Chapter X

I have made a mistake. I suppose that I had forgotten the quarrels and infighting. I care for each one of them, even Violet, to a degree, but I don't think I can work with them. I think I should not have joined this Cabal.

They don't respect me. I am of no real use them, they could outsource my researching ability, if they need it, but I am no good outside the study. And I am tired of being mocked. Of being alone. I have been alone for so long, people thought I was crazy and when the doctor said we could be crazy together, I had so much hope.

The Vernal Sanctuary was hard for me. Partly, I know, because I was unused to company. I just didn't know how to deal with people who are not in charge of me in some manner. But, also because I am so different from them all. Promachus is a former gang member. Storm was a hillbilly. Diamona was a tough girl from New Orleans. Marbus was a bully from Tennessee. I don't know about Violet.

I was raised rich and isolated. I had no friends save Madeline and Stacy. I knew Stacy for so short a time. Then, she too was a ghost and I was even more alone. I don't see what they see. I don't understand them and they do not understand me. Like last night. They spent the evening mocking me for putting decent clothes on Promachus. I didn't put him in a suit, nor a collar. He is wearing nice, neutral clothing that anyone can wear and all they can do is laugh at me. I don't know why I bother.

Then, during the party, I drank like my mother. That is not healthy, but I couldn't help it. Storm and Dusk were playing footsie and I was so humiliated. I had to show solidarity for my Cabal, you have to do this, but I wanted to scream, cry, run and hide. I wanted to hit them until they stopped laughing at me. I don't laugh at them. I don't think I am better than they are because I am part of a certain society. But, they seem to think that because I was born rich, I am somehow less than they all are.

This makes no sense.

Then, we went back to the Sanctum and started to talk. And Dusk arrived. She is an angry, vicious girl and she can say all she likes about exposing the lies, but she also twists the truth around the bias. Of course it was staged. That is what you do. You have to make a good impression. Marcus certainly staged his. The event was tailored to show commonality. The point is whether it is sincere. I think it was.

Then Marbus goes poking around in Dusk's head and now an angry mage knows the location of our sanctum. So, they are all thinking Free Counsel but they are no better. I know they mean well, but what they will find is rabid idealists who cannot allow another opinion. They Are All HUMAN! Mages, certainly. Awakened, yes. But still human.

I think I need to back away from the Cabal. I don't want to destroy the friendship I still feel for them but I am starting to hate the sight of them. I will keep researching the dream message, I will translate or whatever they need. But, I don't think they want me and if they don't, then I don't want them.

I am so tired. So alone. I was supposed to have found my clan, my kind and all I have is my Cabal, Wandering Stars. Yes, not all who wander are lost. But some are. I am lost. And so are they. And when the blind leadeth the blind, they both fall into a pit.

Arc X, Chapter X

I talked to the Cabal today, and I feel much better. They were concerned for my safety if I left, of course, as the attacks have increased, but they also assured me that they do care about me and do not merely use me. God, that sounds bad but it really means a lot to me. Also, since communication is our Cabals greatest challenge, we have instituted a new rule: Safeword. This can be used by a participant in the conversation or by a listener. When things feel out of control and like we are not getting anywhere, Safeword ends the cycle. Since choosing it, it has come in so handy! And, so far, we are all respecting it.

The serial killer issue has been resolved. The man responsible is not really responsible, he was possessed by a demon-like spirit who has been destroyed. The man is in custody and will likely be placed in an asylum. It is sad, though, because I hate the thought he might wind up at Wakefield and be sent out to fight us again.

We went to the Free Council meeting. I must admit it was a nice change of pace. The people there were friendly and seemed open to ideas. Even Dusk acted decently. Unfair thought, perhaps, but this is my journal and if you don't like it, you shouldn't be snooping on my privacy!

I had not known about The Column form of the Free Council. It does sound reasonable. It is a military style structure. I like the idea, though I am somewhat concerned about having as many as 3 people in charge. In the end, one person must make the decision. So, unless they do not have overlapping commands, one must be the final one responsible.

We are going to our Orders and telling them that we need structure, now, and that this is a good way to get things moving. Also, if Boudica is at the head of the column, there is no fear of her keeping power. She is here because of the issues with the Feast of Wisdom and her interests do not run towards Hierarch. She is not even staying in NYC once things have been sorted out and that makes her a good option for this even from the prospective of Antonia and Marcus. At least, I would think so.

I am very glad that our Cabal is able to talk again. I am also able to see good in them again. I was able to notice good even in Marbus! It has been so long since I have done so. I talked to his sister, though, and she gave me a hand with him. She tells me that he cares, perhaps too much, and reacts poorly to situations he cannot resolve. His anger and frustration may not have anything to do with the person who is feeling them. Watching their interplay makes me glad, for it proves he is a decent sort.

And, he really does care about Liz, too. She was mugged that night, and he ran strait to her. He even left his beloved bike with the police so he could take her home. Yes, I know, he had to as we have agreed to stay in pairs, but that is not the point. The point is he did a good thing for the sake of a person he cares about and I think he would have done that even if the bums were not a threat.

We have also agreed to support the majority choice of the Cabal, even if it is not our choice. So, if the majority decide that we should go to the Asylum, the others will support us. I am glad for the unity, tenuous that it is.

Also, I have reached a higher understanding of Death. I think the focal moment was when Martin was killed again by his killer. I was so angry, but I was unable to do anything quick enough to deal with it. I can, now, prepare ahead. I know I can place a soul, such as a ghost in a jar. I can also, I think, keep him there permanently. So, I am getting some things ready. And, I will take care of Martin. I don't care. He came to me for help, to tell me about trouble in Wakefield and I will not let him down. If I can, I will lay him to rest in the end, too. He deserves rest, after spending his whole afterlife in a kind of hell. Madeline is concerned for me, she is worried I will be hurt or harmed if I go to the Asylum. But, I really do not have a choice, and she is actually at the center of the reason. I have been close to and loved a ghost my whole life. She, as far as ghosts go, has had a good afterlife. I would do anything for her, she is my sister. I cannot leave another who needs me in a situation like that. I do not know how most people see ghosts, but I see them as people with special needs. The mad must be contained, the suffering helped, and all treated as people.

I have to.

Arc X, Chapter X

I spent three weeks waiting for news, wondering what had happened, and now I do not really know how to react to it. Being told the crazy scene was not me helped, though I was pretty sure of that, already, given Madeline's interventions and brief moments of duality therein.

But, Violet. God, I cannot even begin to understand that. It is not that I do not know she is dead, I do. But, it isn't real. I never saw it, never saw her, I just heard about it. I was shocked, but I look at the others and I see it haunt them. I see the constant sorrow and pressure on them. And, I feel bad, because I do not feel it. Like I am betraying them by not feeling broken. But, I had time. Even Promachus is more likely to feel with them, as he just woke up, but I had 3 weeks to deal with everything I could and the rest is not real.

And then there is Marbus. Oh, I don't know what to do, think, feel about him and this and everything. I was starting to notice him before, he can be awfully sweet sometimes. I think Liz was right, and he just cares too much. And, now he cannot forgive himself for letting Violet die. I tried to tell him it was not his fault, that he did his best with the information he had at that moment but that is hard to accept. And, I am afraid that I cannot hide my interest in him and that he will think I was just saying that to make him feel better or grateful or something.

So, how do I feel? Do I grieve that we lost Violet? Yes, I do. When I think of it. But, I do not often think of it. Frankly, I only knew her for just a few weeks and the rest I have known years. The others, especially Marbus, will feel her lack in the Cabal but I never lived with her, never loved her, and I had not had the time to truly know her.

I do not think we ever had a single one-on-one conversation where we truly discussed something internal that matters. We discussed politics, the events of NYC, magic and other things, but nothing that really matters. She was someone who I could respect, but not really a friend. There was no time for that. She was at a step removed from me and I was not really there when she died. The group changed that day, I can tell. Perhaps had I been aware, I might have changed, too, but I was not.

And, she is not a ghost. Funny, but that means more to me today than it did 3 weeks ago. Because of Maggie. Helping her, and watching her cross over left me in tears and I believe with all my heart that something good waits on the other side. Knowing that Violet is there, that she is certainly well and happy makes it hard to feel like death is that bad. Even the way she died, I know she is fine now. Maybe I will not be so complacent if someone I truly love dies, but it is how I feel today.

And I do not think that the others can truly understand that. I cannot explain it, and they are not Moros. Now that is funny. In English, Moros is the root of morose, to be sorrowful and sad, yet I have found it otherwise. I do grieve for Martin, because he does not get to move on, he is trapped in an afterlife that will never end until he crosses over or is destroyed. I hurt for him as I would hurt for any suffering human being, and more, because his cannot end, and theirs will. But, to release him and let him move on, I will not grieve for him, other than to wish his pain had been shorter. But, I am sure that what is on the other side is enough, that all will be well there.

But, I would mourn Madeline, if she crossed over. Or, rather, I would mourn losing her, but know she was fine. It is a selfish sorrow, but very human. I know what is there would be goo, but she does not want to leave, and I do not wish her to go. There seem to be 3 kinds of ghosts, at least so far.

Ghosts that wander, but are not in suffering and pain and are content with their lot.

Ghosts that are trapped in a private hell they cannot escape.

Ghosts that prey on others and help to create those hells.

The first can do as they choose, I will not force anything on them. The second should be set free to cross over if at all possible. And the third should be put down, locked away and make the Twilight safe(r) for decent ghosts.

I hope I can learn to do these things. I hope I do not anger my Cabal. I hope Marbus does not hate me. I hope all will be well.

Arc X, Chapter X

I am not sure if I can honestly say I was never so angry in my life, but I am equally unsure if I was ever angrier.

I was contacted via Diamona to accompany the Arrows to Wakefield and help deal with the ghosts there. I agreed, in part for Martin and his killer, and partly to protect the ghosts, if need be. From a conversation I had, I am sure that fear was needless.

I met Martin very soon, and he gave me a name: Killer Krogan. I found an empty room that was nicely insulated, and called him up. I got some strange looks from my companion when I pulled out my 3 pomegranate seeds from the bad Marbas gave me, but those was quickly set aside in favor of shock when Krogan appeared. He burst through the wall and blood covered it.

He headed towards me but I stopped him and opened the jar. The glare he gave me was frankly priceless, but he is in a jar that rests in the Athenaeum and there he shall remain. Others ghosts in the asylum came, and cheered when he was put away. It felt to good, I could see the hope in their eyes and it set off my nimbus. That really impressed them. I was able to find and subdue another 2 violent ghosts, when another two lads with markings that match Martins asked me to go downstairs. When I remarked that we were on the ground floor, they said there was a path down, that their bodies were there. I agreed, and we followed. But, I found a wall, not a door.

It was a real wall, and Lucas made it transparent with matter. There was clearly a passage on the other side and it had been covered over. I was able to see a staircase in the Twilight, though it was gone on this plane. We agree to have 2 of us go down, and Lucas should guard the Gate, that nothing might escape. I opened a gate to the Twilight and we passed over.

We followed until we could hear muttering. I told the boys to go upstairs, that Lucas would protect them and they were gone before I finished the first half of my words. In the room, I saw - God - I saw a group of angry ghosts, chained by their collars to their graves. The graves were visible in the Twilight, but had been covered over with cement in this world. The ghosts could not really interact with me. They had been mad in life, and death had not improved that. However, they could not get far enough from their anchors to harm us.

I looked about, advised my companion that they were no threat, they could not leave, and then asked if we could return in the corporeal world another time. I was advised to pick up something from the room, and went over to the folders. I could not believe that this room was innocent, the stairs, the blocked door, the graves, none of it belonged here. So, I pulled a file, and glanced at it.

Killer Krogan.

I started to read it, but was convinced now was not the time. We left, and I closed the Gate. Later, I read through the folder. Krogan was an infamous serial killer in the 50s. He had also killed again and again while in the asylum. His psychologist had advised the staff he was improving, he was not, and he got 'access,' though I do not know with what. I know the shrink's name was removed from the files and he helped with the cover up. They buried his victims down here, covered it over, left the files, and sealed it up.

No wonder these ghosts are trapped. They were brought to this place to be protected and assisted, were instead killed by an inmate and their deaths covered up.

I have started research into this place and it's history. Floor plans, articles, all these files will be gone through. I will find out who did this, why, how, and I will make it known. I hope that perhaps this will allow some of the ghosts to cross over, though I cannot ever be sure.

I wanted to weep for them, to cry, to pound Krogan to a pulp, but the man I am most angry with is the shrink and he better hope he is neither dead nor ghost or I will find him. Pride. Hubris. He wanted to make a name for himself, fixing the maniac, and people died. They died, and now they live in hell. Krogan has been tormenting them, Martin, and all the others since the late 50s, and death did not stop him. 40+ years of it.

I will be making a special box for mad ghosts. Theophrastis knows about them, and I may be able to send my ghosts to them, but I will make one to keep, one I need not maintain. It will be hard, and draining, but I need to do this. I used 3 jars in just one place. I cannot keep making jars, I need to do this more efficiently.

On a happier note, Theophrastis is going to hire Louise and her husband! He almost cried when I said I knew a set of sleepwalking cooks and gardeners. He owes me. I don't know what, but he feel he owes me. For myself, I am just glad to get them a good place. NYC is not a great place nowadays, but most likely they are safer around magi than not. Generally. I hope so. Miss Edith seems quite happy, and I am so delighted to have her there to help me manage mother.

I am sure the Cabal will be pleased when I tell them about his all. I hope they will be willing to assist me with this. I am not sure, I am getting some strange vibes off Diamona.

Also, Marbas gave me an enchanted bag so I can keep my staff in it. He really is so sweet. I didn't really consider that you could do that. Magic is a wondrous this.

Arc X, Chapter X

I never knew. How could I know? I was younger than she, and naive and sheltered, but to find that your closest friend was so hurt, and now hurting others - how can I blame her for lashing out, based on that experience?

So, she has been influencing mother to leave me be. Discouraging me from dating, and perhaps distracting her with art. She has been tormenting her father for not protecting her. And, then, when she saw Jake had an interest in me, she sought to terrify him away from me. I hope he is ok. How do you explain to a sleeper that a young, vengeful ghost hurt you, but don't worry, it won't happen again because I put her in a jar and am going to try to help her cross over.

I just do not know what to do. I need to resolve the abuse issue. That man, he is going to pay for what he did. I will haunt him until he confesses or plant evidence until he is found out. I will play blocked memories and sudden recollection of Stacy and her troubles if I must. Maybe Madeline can help with this one. Maybe we could fake up a radio broadcast about a girl in X neighborhood being discovered to have been abused, that police will be conducting interviews, that the body will be exhumed and they have a prime suspect whose name has not been released. Sneak up on him while he is in the shower and write STACY on the mirror, so that when he comes out, it will be evident on the mirror from the steam. I can do that from Twilight without being discovered.

I will talk to Donavon about this. He used to be a lawyer, and can give me some info on how best to proceed. I hope this resolves her issues, I hope she can have peace. I have noticed that the closer you get to a ghost's unfinished business, the more irrational and focused they become. I could barely get a word out of her and I think that was mostly due to the spell. She had to answer, if she could. But, the deeper we got, the more incoherent she became.

I wonder if Stacy can still write. If I grabbed a journal for her, had her write in it, age it, and then plant it... it would be her writing. And, if we freak HIM out enough, he will confess to anything. My worry is him running. Have to devise a way to keep him pinned down. Maybe do this as one action. Plant the journal, get the police involved, transmit the broadcast and write on the mirror at the same time. Have the cops arrive just as he is understanding what is going on... he may slip up, act suspicious, something. If I have to become involved, I will lie my head off about things Stacy said or things I saw and repressed in my memory. He will go to prison and get a nice cellmate named Bubba.

Then, perhaps, Stacy can rest. Her father will be safe, mother will be free and Jake left alone. I hope so. I do not know if I can do this all on my own, or if I will need the Cabal to help. Also, I owe Theophrastis a huge favor. Funny, I hear about the Great Rights and so on the same night that they are invoked. But, I had no one else to turn to, and am willing to give reciprocity to him.

I just hope that mother decides it was simply a nightmare. I hope the neighbors don't talk to her about it, I hope the secret remains. I hope so much. May it be so.

Arc X, Chapter X

It was certainly one of the strangest nights I have ever had. I suppose Wakefield should rank up with it, but my recollections of that night are indirect and in some ways old hat. I cannot believe I just said that, but what else can I say?

First of all, Promachus and Jake are safe. The Mob has called off the hit. Jake can have a life and live without fear. I am glad for him. I know being stuck inside disturbs him. It was also a night of revelations. Our city plays hosts to a 'once adored,' namely Aidon Clymenus, the lord of the underworld - he whom he Greeks once called Hades.

Ever so often, I feel that I should not have been allowed to leave the Sanctuary without more knowledge than I have. Maybe our Awakening and training was different, but I wish someone would write a book like you can find for colleges. Everything You Ever Needed to Know About Supernatural Societies, but Didn't Know to Ask.

It should include Vampires, information on their ways and recommendations on how to treat with them, the same for Werewolves, the existence of 'Once Adored,' and more that I have not yet been exposed to.

Well, the evening started with a fight. Storm was appalled, Marbus playing virtue, and we got no where. I hate these fights, but we cannot seem to avoid them. I think we are too young for such powers. We should be arguing about Star Wars whether the Play Station is better than the X Box.

I found myself drinking. Drinking like mother. The stress led me to the bar. I don't want to drown my feelings in liquor, but I don't know how to deal with them. Father was never there and mother drank. I cannot start doing Tai Chi in the middle of the argument, and that is all I can think of that calms and focuses me.

I ran outside, and was followed by Storm and Diamona. As we were talking, the Mob boss who had had the hit out on Promachus walked in, told us the hit was off, and gave us an invitation to meet his boss. Death. The letter was beautiful, gold and cream with all the right words and it was like holding death in my hand. We called our supervisors and mentors, and headed out right away to deal with whatever this was.

His offices were beneath a goth club. Vampires, ghosts, spirits, and even, it seems, a Werewolf inhabited the interior. We were guided in by a Vampire called Gio. For all that he was disturbing to look at, the club was worse, and I was glad when we left the main floor. Until, that is, he stopped in the hallway and started giving us advice on how to proceed. Everyone looked at us with fear, though it was not fear of us, or, really, for us. Fear of who we were to meet. Promachus cast an Augury and determined that continuing had a decent chance of leaving alive, so we continued.

It was hard for me. The stairs were too much like the subway stairs that took me to Wakefield. I was upset enough that I stopped and disguised my aura. A polite fiction, perhaps, but one I would prefer to be observed. We reached a cranky man who yelled at us for interrupting him, until we, not bribed him, though we thought that was what we were doing at the time, but gave him the fee for entry. We overpaid and his manner change was almost funny to see.

Within, we met our host. He had a dog, a huge fireplace, and was most courteous. We were offered, and accepted, some chocolate, and also some wine. Pomegranate wine. By this point, I should have know. The clues were there, but I didn't think such existed, had not heard of them, and even if I had put it together, I would have simply assumed he was deliberately setting the scene, not that it had an inherent meaning.

He was not a Vampire. As the conversation progressed, we discovered he was Hades, Lord of the Underworld. Today, he is not who he was, but he was such long ago. And, we drank his pomegranate wine. I should have known. I call myself Kore, for the love of peace, and I should have understood! He even complimented me on my lovely name.

Too late. He made it clear he wanted to treat with us. He made it clear we were stuck with each other, no matter what, and also that, though it could be an unpleasant relationship, it need not me. I said I would be willing to use my skills for him, as did all but Marbus, with the case by case caveat, and requested that the little girl, daughter of the Mob boss, be released. Storm seconded this, once he knew who she was, and he promised it would be so.

He knows what caused the Feast of Wisdom, and will not speak of it. Terrifying, to think of what would frighten him. It reminds me of Gandalf in Lord of the Rings, unwilling to speak the language of Mordor, or of any such evil in the dark of night. There is a lesson there, and I will take it. The 'He who must not be named' in Harry Potter seems less silly in light of that.

I asked him a question, and have my answer, though my answer leads only to more question. Ghosts do not change. And if anyone would know, it is him. Therefore, the one I know as Madeline cannot be the shade of my sister. I know that much. But who is it, and what? I think it must be a ghost, as I can barely see spirits and she is plain in death sight. But, that means that a ghosts pretending to be her has been with me my whole life and why would she do that?

Were I Awakened then, I might understand it. But, I do not recall a time when a being who looked like me was not with me. She loves the violin, and seemed to stay as a result. Has a connection with it, as she was endangered by a creature 'eating' the violin before my Awakening.

But who is she? Why did she choose that I should see her? Why the deception? I have many questions, and I will have to talk with her about it. I dread this. More than Stacy and dealing with her, I dread this.

Well, I didn't have much time to muse on this. We returned to the club, and the others decided to mingle. Promachus seemed to find a friend, and I decided to see who it was. A Werewolf. A rude and licentious Werewolf. I am not sure what he wanted, no, untrue. If I take his words and erection at face value, I know exactly what he wanted. But, he was so forward and I felt so confused and repelled and also flattered and I do not know what I think other than I am glad that Stacy did not see it because she would have tried to hurt him, and he would have hurt her. He is part spirit, it seems, and I am sure would be able to do damage to her.

Anyway, I begged to go home, and we did. I was so exhausted. So much happened. So much still to come. I have decided to study Time. Promachus bespelled an item for me that has greatly accelerated my research and I wish to be able to do it myself. He is a step ahead of me in time, so it should not take too long to learn this myself.

Midsummer is coming. I hope we are all ready and that there is nothing to be ready for.

Arc X, Chapter X

Someday, I shall know that the world is full of unexpected revelations and I shall deal with them calmly and serenley. Sadly, that day was not today.

Let's see, revelation #1. The Dogs are going after sleepwalkers, for certain. Even those unaffiliated with any mages are being attacked. There has been at least one death. He was a college student with an imbued item. We had thought, had hoped, that the temporal manifestations were the mark of a new Awakening, but it was not. Mona and Promachus found him death, still clutching the Amulet that drew the beast to him.

Score one for the Mysterium philosophy.

Then, while in Harlem trying to uncover the source of the Dog, I met a possessed woman. I tried to help her, to set her free, but the demon was stronger than her will and I was unable to take direct action to aid her. I was, however, able to avoid confrontation, and that is a victory of sorts for me.

Jake has decided it is worth the terror and danger to be around Mages. I saw him grow stronger, saw the glory of new hope, and I felt glorious. I tried to tell him about it, but I am afraid I gave him the wrong impression. What I meant was that his hope gives me hope. I wish that all humanity could feel that. I am more apt to try to give another person hope, to help them, just to experience the euphoria that it brings me.

Later that night, the Cabal returned, we tried yet again to get some info on the Dog. I got smart and asked a ghost and she was able to direct us to those who knew more. Unfortunately, we found nothing about the Dog that night. We were found, however, by the passion shade. Marbus went poking around in her brain, thinking that the spirit knew something that might help, and what he got was a horrible confirmation of a fear.

The Dark One's son was the cause of the Feast of Wisdom, and he will be back. The passion shades are his servants. Marbus didn't want to speak the words, and no wondering at that, and he wrote them down, instead. They did not come out in English, though, nor Atlantean. Instead, they are another language which shares characteristics with Atlantean but is not the same.

I showed it to Theophrastis, told him what I knew, inferred, and conjectured, and he told me he had to leave town. He was quick to tell me that it was not because of fear, but because he had seen writing like this before. In North Africa, and he was going to have to go there.

He then told me he wanted to call in my favor. I agreed, wondering what it was, and then I was let in a a secret. He has Altzheimers, and though he is healed of it every few years, he loses memories and knowledge every time. So, he has created a storage device for him memories. They are spheres that appear to hold quicksilver, and can be accessed as one would access the human mind. He requested that I protect, preserve, and utilize them if anything happened to him.

I agreed, of course, but I don't really feel like that is a fair exchange. I would do so, regardless. Especially if he dies, as I feel responsible for the dead. However, he insisted and I agreed. So, I am out of debt, it seems. Or, will be if anything happens to him, or when, or whatever.

I feel like we are running out of time. How do we counter this threat? All we have is knowledge, and limited amounts of that. Unlike the year before, we know that there is a threat, what it has done, who caused it, and that it will be returning. They say that forewarned is forearmed, and that may be so. They also say that knowledge is power, and I believe that, too. I just hope that those are enough to deal with this. I don't know that we can defeat this evil on it's terms. I think we will have to go out and find it, dig it out before it launches it's assault anew.

I think we are going to have to look in the sewers. I do not want to, but it is an ancient belief that evil hides in the darkness, and therefore it seems a good place to start. And, we cannot continue to react to him. If we do, we are doomed. We need to initiate action, whatever it is. If he chooses the battle ground and the rules of engagement, we will be in trouble.

I just do not know where to begin.

Arc X, Chapter X

Storm called the other day. He wanted to know what was up with Jake and me. I told him all about it. I told him that I like Jake, but I also feel much older than him and I also am afraid that I am endangering him by associating with him. But, he is sweet and he really likes me and I cannot be unaffected by that.

So, I also told Storm that I was also interested in Marbus. That certainly surprised him. Nice to know that not everyone knows about it. Of course, Marbus knows, so that is cold comfort. He knows, but he has never said a word about it. So, I know he is not interested in me. And, that kinda hurts, and I don't want him if he won't want me.

But, I wish he did. But, if he did, what about Jake? But, I don't even know how I feel about Jake. I like him, but can I love him?

Then, I also told Storm how that werewolf made me feel. I want that, too! I mean, he was crude, and aggressive, and I was embarrassed and confused but there was a thrill, a zing; exciting and wild. I would like that, too.

Bu, Jake would never be like that. And, I don't think I would like it if Marbus did. So, it seems, what I want is a mage who is sweet and wild. This is crazy. And, Storm didn't really understand at first. But, I want someone to hold me and make me feel safe, but I want something wild and strong, too. Like the Eye of a Hurricane, except not destructive to others or me.

I don't know! I want excitement. I want kindness. I want equality and passion, and valentines and poetry and all that. It should be possible! It is a big world, with so much variety. But, even Awakened, can I get this? I want the understanding and parity of Marbus, the kindness and affection of Jake, and the wild passion of that Wolf.

Why hasn't Jake tried to kiss me? He seems embarrassed most of the time. I guess he is as new as me at this dating thing. But, it would be nice if he would try. Kisses can tell a lot, at least that is what the songs say. He knows I know, and have allowed him to court me. So, I wish he would! Get me flowers, take me somewhere romantic, try to kiss me.

But, I am not telling him that! I shouldn't have to. And, I don't want to look desperate. But, I think I would know if I wanted him to court me if he courted me. I knew right quick that I didn't want that blue-blooded fop mother liked immediately. The Wolf was forward. And, it was kinda nice, even though it was freaky!

If I had my druthers, I wouldn't want all this. I would have friends and companions, without ever feeling all the confusion of love and romance. It takes up so much time. It distracts me from work and education. And, it is all I can think about, sometimes.

It is madness! I am sitting atop a time bomb, trying to diffuse it, and if I am not actively playing with the wires, I am dreaming of romance! That is crazy! I am crazy!

No, I am NOT crazy. I was never crazy. I am just a teenager, high on hormones, with too much power and responsibility. That is all.